Transcript:
JENNY BROCKIE: Melanie, can I bring you in at this point, you’re a sex worker and you sometimes have sex with multiple men, I'm interested in how quickly that can get out of control from your perspective?
MELANIE ROBINSON, ESCORT: It totally depends on the situation and the sort of people that there are. Certainly if there is alcohol or other chemicals involved that becomes a problem. I don't think it's as much that people don't care what's happening to the woman as much as they're just not aware of it. They're very focused, they're very in their own sort of space and they're just going what they feel and I think that if you pipe up loud enough and make them like bring them back to Earth and go like look, this isn't cool, it can be harder to get through to them if they're a built more effected and say look, this really isn't cool and they'll go "Oh, really, I didn't mean to."
JENNY BROCKIE: But you're in a transaction, like a financial transaction and in a sense you've got a bit ‑ have you got more power or less power than in your personal life.
MELANIE ROBINSON: It depends. For me personally I consider in that situation that I do have power but I would consider that in any situation, even though group sex in my personal life. Anything in my personal life I too actually probably stand up more because I don't feel I have anything that I have to give them. Not that I have to.
JENNY BROCKIE: And when I mean power I mean also protection - like you take precautions, yeah, when you're having group sex.
MELANIE ROBINSON: I do but at the same time.
JENNY BROCKIE: And you have a security guard sometimes in the room, is that right.
MELANIE ROBINSON: Yes, I do. But it still depends on ‑
JENNY BROCKIE: Which is not going to happen if other situations for that people.
MELANIE ROBINSON: Men nah that situation, depending on their attitude think well, I've paid for this girl, it's not like this girl's come into our room and she wants to have a go. It's like we've paid this girl and some people have the attitude they don't realise they've paid for a service. They've paid for my time. They haven't paid to rent and do whatever the hell they please.
Later in the show:
PROFESSOR MOIRA CARMODY: I don't think it is and I think that's fundamentally why we end up in these debates where people get polarised because consent is a process. The fact that you go home with somebody doesn't necessarily give you any indication of what you're consenting to. You don't know what's in that person's mind, what they're fantasising about, what their desires are, what your desires are and whether they match. I mean one of the things in terms of sex work, for example, is clearly negotiated situation of what's on offer, what's the price is and what's going to happen. Now we can learn a lot from those sort of situations. Why don't we ‑
JENNY BROCKIE: Well Melanie's shaking her head up here as a sex worker to say that's not what it's like. Why Melanie?
MELANIE ROBINSON: Full service is expected to be massage, oral sex with a condom and sexual intercourse. It doesn't have to include that but that's generally what would be expected. Anything beyond that may be negotiated before hand, it may not be. And to me one of the vital skills that all the sex workers have is being able to pick what people want, what they don't want, sometimes you do ask specifically. I'll ask is this fine? I could be cute about it but it's trying to pick up on the little things that they want.
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1. You said you have been working as a sex worker for 7 years - why did you get into the profession?
Yes It's heading towards 7 years - What I'd said on the phone was that why people start working and why they continue to can be very different things. For many when they first start sex work, its maybe not always the best of circumstances, but it's not the work that’s a deterrent you wouldn't consider it if you had some inerrant problem with having sex with multiple people, it’s the stigma that surrounds the industry. Deciding to take on the rest of society's opinions of what you do, and what sort of person you must be if you do is not an easy decision. Why people who have no issues with sex before marriage, or working( doing things you probably wouldn’t otherwise bother with except for the fact you are being paid) have such a different view when the two are combined is just illogical. I prefer not to focus on why I initially started but more why I continued, and came back to the industry even when I stopped at various times. Having worked in various industries I finally settled on my career choice after realising how many jobs just create more work or stress, and the corporate office politics just make people miserable, I want to make people happy, and I consider that’s what my job is - to make people happy - even if its just one person who feels a bit happier having spent an hour with me then I am creating more positive energy in the world, and I can see the effect directly.
My philosophy of the industry has deepened over the years as I considered it more deeply, however I have numerous writings in my blog from past years. I don't edit entries or even proof read I just write them and how they come out raw is how they are published.
Some of the early ones may be of interest to you, Also if you look at my blog in general you will find scans of the 2 page cosmopolitan interview with me, and a half page in MX from he other year whe I won the Best Escort Award at the Australian Adult Industry Awards.
How did I get into the sex industry???
My First job.....
In and Out...
2. Was it quite difficult when you first started out to set clear boundaries?
It can be difficult at first to set boundaries when you aren't quite sure what you are comfortable with, where you boundaries indeed are. Depending on level of sexual experience and exploration you have done before, if someone asks if you will X it's hard to know if you may or may not want to if you haven't done that before, I would just say if I hadn't done that before and that I'd give it a go but they'd have to stop if I changed my mind - never seemed to be an issue - despite what extreme feminist media says - they majority of men do not want to abuse women and if they know you really aren't happy they won't continue. As a first time worker I was peer educated and supported by the other women I worked with. The main point has always stuck and I've passed it on the same - when you are in the room with the client, you are in charge, you are in control, he/she has paid for a service as agreed, they don't own you and its not a free run to do anything they like. Full service is generally considered to be a massage, protected oral and sex, anything beyond that is at the individuals discretion, and if thy charge extra for any particular things it's also up to them. What positions you will do is also a choice and my peers suggest which to avoid to ensure I will always have control of what was happening, how to keep a hand on a man once the condom was on to ensure he didn’t try to sneakily remove it. I was taught how to avoid what I didn't want to do in a nice way rather than just killing the mod and saying no don't do that. How to suggest to me more gentle in a cute or sweet way, or just to suggest something a bit different saying I'd enjoy it more. Most men do want to see the woman enjoying herself and are more tan happy to take tips and pointers rather than have to figure it out themselves. At various points I have done things I maybe didn't enjoy or were a bit uncomfortable, I do sometimes feel pressure to please the client as best I can as that’s what I'm being aid for, but nothing to the point I'm unhappy, just maybe positioning that’s uncomfortable but seems to be working very well, or if im getting sore but he is nearly there, just hanging in there a little while longer so he can finish rather than chop and change and it take longer again with the break. I get to make the choice though. In a non work setting there is no requirement of any acts, or that you should be pleasing the other person unless you want to, personal life you are there ultimately in my mind to please yourself, and if what's happening isn't amongst that then you have a duty to yourself to see that the flow of events changes.
3. Can you describe a situation where it has got out of control -how did you regain control?
There are always various points when things can get a little bit out of control, in the heat of the moment people get carried away, they might grab, pinch, bite or go extra hard without thinking about it. They don't mean to, and I see it as a good thing they are so lost in the moment they aren't thinking, a yeah that hurt, I don't like that, lets change position will bring them back to normal thought quickly and then its fine. If people are intoxicated being very direct or repeating more loudly can be necessary as they are even less aware of their surroundings, very drunk people often become excessively apologetic when they realise they did something bad, as it wasn't their intention. People become more basic when very turned on, or when drunk, so combine them and people think quite simply and just follow their urges, they won't notice subtle signs, and will confuse quiet words with maybe soft mumblings or moans as they are quite focused. The most out of control as situation I've had that springs to mind was a very drunk gentlemen in a Melbourne brothel, He spoke to me in a very disrespectful way and help grabbing me by the hair or pushing me about ordering me what to do. Being cute ad nicely suggestive didn't work, so I quickly became louder and very firm in my tone and body language - things he couldn't ignore. I told him I did know what I was doing, and that being forceful and pushing me about was not making it easy for me to do what I was good at he tried to grab me again. I shoved him back an told him to lie the f*ck down, and I'd show him a very good time, and if he continued to speak badly to me or push me around I'd just leave the room ad management would throw him out. He complied and I went about my work, he even extended an extra hour and was very well behaved.
4. In BDSM you mentioned you have key words....are their other rules to set the boundaries?
In role play and fantasy situations such as BDSM style scenes, a safe word is often chosen, a safe signal is chosen if the person is unable to speak or will be unable to speak. Being able to say No, and don't etc can be an important part of the fantasy so an agreed safe word is negotiated beforehand A safe word is usually chosen by the individual and is something outlandish - something you would never say in the scene, and all other protests will be ignored but if the safe word is used everything immediately stops. Some people use the safe word as a pause to break the scene discuss issue and continue at lesser level, I prefer it to be a complete abort as it encourages people to push their boundaries as was their original intention. Some people use green, amber and red, like traffic lights to check at various points what level the person is at to know if to go harder or back off or keep it as it is. The person in the power situation is responsible for those submitting, and must carefully monitor reactions blood flow in certain restraint positions et, never leave a restrained person unattended create the illusion of it sure - but not actually do it. Generally before a strict role-play scenario all the limits are discussed and what the person is looking to get out of it, and where they want to be pushed more, what sort of force they are comfortable with and so on.
5. Is consent negotiated before? during? the sex
Consent to me is an ongoing thing, everyone maintains the right to say no at any point before or during, but when its after it ceases being against will and becomes more of a bad decision, changing one's mind after the fact is more a transference of blame when they they rethink and decide maybe they didn’t want to or shouldn’t have done that. Asking if people are ok if their expression is maybe not what you'd expect or they are avoiding eye contact, if they like what you are doing, ask them to tell you when they'd like to try a different position or something else. As a good lover, even if its only a short term one you should be making sure the person you are with is happy and enjoying everything. In many non-work or non-prenegotiated situations a yes I want to do x,y,z is not explicitly stated people just go with the flow, and its important to remember that if if consent is implied by the persons response or actions it doesn't mean it can't be revoked explicitly at any time. Saying you don’t like something and would prefer something else is a softer way to change what's happening, but someone should always be prepared to say No if they don't want something out of respect or themselves, the vast majority of people don't want to abuse anyone and if you make them unquestionably aware you are not cool with what's happening they will stop. People will internally pressure themselves not to say no however, if they don't want to kill the mood thinking it will end soon, or if they really like the person in general as a fan - not wanting to upset them, but really if you opt not to tell tem to stop when you aren't happy you are not removing your consent, and if they don't know you changed your mind - how can they be expected to stop? This doesn't mean someone who didn't say no does not feel abused after, and they should be counseled accordingly, their feelings are valid, but if the other party had no idea anything was wrong they weren't really abusive and would probably be mortified to learn that that’s how they were seen to be. There is more than one side to the truth in every situation and even if people views are at odds they can still both be correct. It's like looking at a box with different coloured sides from opposite angles, I may see the box has 2 red sides and a yellow side, and you see 2 blue sides and a yellow side, we can argue til the cows come home about what the main colour of the box is, but we are both right, and need to accept that if you consider what the other persons point of view may be, that you are both right from your perspective. I think part of sex education in school should be about deciding what your limits are, and how to make others aware of these by direct and indirect ways, and when if intoxicated is not the time to start reconsidering your boundaries, if you want you can always try again when sober with the person and explore further.
6. You said you had a three warnings your out rule -how does this work?
Over years of building up my people and negotiating skills, I have a very set way about how I deal with people doing things I don’t want. It may be pinching or pulling at my nipples or labia too hard or anything that I just don't like. First warning a cute warning with a suggestion of something different "Ow - they are attached, I like them like that [giggle]- be more gentle I like it if you just touch very gently" if they comply visually at least appear to appreciate the different sensation. Second warning more serious unhappy tone - "Ouch, that hurts, I told you I don't like that, please don't do it again" Third warning very serious, no kidding, deadpan expression ultimatum style - "I specifically told you not to do that, do that again and I'll punch you, and yes I have punched people before." If they do it again - whammo I have only have to hit 2-3 people so far - the majority get the hint at the first warning.
7. You mentioned in group situations you have a security person in the room -why? is this only for group situations?
I require security in the room for larger group situation bookings, it's to make people are behaving well. Sometimes people have a misguided view that oh I paid you now I own you for the next hour or whatever, and consider that payment is some irrevocable consent. I've only had people like that 1 on 1 and I can handle one person with that attitude, I don't want to find myself with 4 or more people sporting that attitude as I have little power in that situation. In most group situations people now the boundaries as they were told and respect them and its just a fun time. I also require security to be in the room for situations if I am being submissive and it will involve any restraint. Being physically restrained and imobilised with someone who you know wants to be rough and spank you is one thing - trusting them to stop when you say the safe word is another. Security presence even if its low key and out of view keeps them in line and if they get outta line there is someone who will make sure they comply with my removal of consent, not necessarily they would continue maliciously but if they get caught in the moment there is someone else to make them stop.
8. Has there been a situation where you have misunderstood someone and their boundaries?
None that spring to mind, I am very careful to discuss power play situations before hand and use of safe words Any signs of people maybe being of ill ease in normal situations I always check how they are, as if that was a good expression, if they like what im doing or if they like me to whatever and if they say whatever you want I say that I don't want to do anything that will make them uncomfortable, even if its referring to something they obviously want to it's just remind them they can say no or suggest other things. If people say I can do anything I want, I'll make some extreme suggestions of things I may want that they wouldn't so they say no I don't want that, so that then I tell them it's not just anything I need to know what they do want, it sets boundaries and also give me a clear direction as to my goals.
9. You mentioned that there is a stigma in your profession -have you ever experienced that from men 'she's up for anything she is a sex worker' kind of attitude?
Stigma is more around sex work being considered a lesser profession and a roll on from that as to what type of people sex workers are, or assuming sex workers are diseased when research of the STI prevalence in NSW sex workers specifically is lower than that of the general population. I am unsure if you are asking in terms of my private life, when in sexual situations or in work life. Work life I have touched on as above. personal life I have found if anything people are less expecting of me to do anything, I am unsure if its as they know I definitely know what I am up for, feel intimidated for their comparative lack of sexual experience or just feel lucky to be with someone who knows what they are doing and isn't being paid, I have found people are out to please me first instead of focusing on themselves.
10. In your eyes is consent as simple as yes or no?
No.
Tempted to leave it at that for amusing factor, but I think whilst consent is not always a straight forward yes, if you are not consenting it should be a clear no, no with alternative option perhaps- but it shouldn’t be an unclear no when something is no longer wanted.
