Department of Immigration brought to their senses.

Paul's Statement:

I do solemnly and sincerely declare that I do not believe that the occupation of my partner, does not come into conflict with our shared life. I do not subscribe to the position that the sexual relations with others, necessitated by my partner's occupation, are in conflict with the intimacy that we share.

When I first talked to my partner on the Internet, she introduced herself as a sex worker. Even from then it was clear to me that she is not ashamed of her work. From her perspective, she is providing a service that is all about making people happy. Clients come from various walks of life, but all share some feeling of loneliness, and so it is her job to help them.

There is a commonly held assumption that clients of sex workers are somehow perverted, but I do not believe this is the case. I believe that clients are typically just looking for some way to feel less alone. This typically comes from a mixture of talking or sexual intimacy. In effect, they are paying for a temporary partner which matches what they want from a real partner. This amounts to the client basically paying for a date and paying for the partner to pretend to enjoy it, whatever happens.

I am not ignorant of her work. If my partner has an interesting story about work then she will tell it to me, just as I would to her. As I recognise that it is just a job, I do not see anything odd about this. Clients and workers often associate outside of work at various get-togethers, which I have attended.

I have struggled to understand why some people see it as an unworthy profession. Like acting, it is a usage of your body and mind designed to provoke enjoyment. However, because a large part of the job is sexual, it provokes criticism from many directions. Particularly from religious organisations.

Personally, I consider myself to be a Buddhist. The only important argument here is whether or not sex work promotes positive or negative karma. If the sole intention of a sex worker is to bring happiness, then it can only be considered positively karmic. If anything, I am proud of the amount of happiness she brings to other people.

If my partner was a cook, should I be expected to be jealous that she wasn't cooking for me while she was at work, or that it might somehow detract from the cooking that she does for me at home? Should I be insecure that she might prefer cooking for other people and never cook for me again? Should getting paid to be a cook lead one to be less willing to cook in home-life?

My partner being intimate with others in the course of her work does not negatively impact our shared life, because I know that her work is not about providing genuine love. It is simply a service designed to bring happiness. My own relationship is founded on love. I know that because she loves me and not her clients, I am the one who is special. This is the difference between the sex she has with them and the sex with love that she has with me.

If my partner's sexual intimacy with others in the course of her work is equivalent to her intimacy with me, the implication must be that she loves all of her clients. I feel that this implication is erroneous because of the inherent absurdity of her being in love with so many people. From my perspective, it must be assumed that her work is not about love, and so cannot infract on ours.

The previous points cover why I am accepting of my partner's work. I have not seen and cannot seen any evidence as to why it would negatively impact on our relationship.

From meeting other sex workers, the commonality of sex workers having partners and children does not appear to be abnormal to me. In the scheme of things, sex workers are not unusual people.

Sex workers typically divulge information about their occupation to their children on an age-appropriate basis. None of the adults I've met who had a parent who was a sex worker are judgemental of that fact.


Part of my my verbose statement:

The thoughts and opinions expressed below are held personally by me, and are my best effort to elucidate how my work life and personal life interact.

Sex workers face stigma and the discrimination it brings at almost every turn of a regular life. It is a constant struggle to make people think about why they have their views and challenge their deep-seated but often, baseless beliefs. Sometimes it's a misguided pity from those who see all sex workers as victims, not the empowered people that so many are - especially of all the fantastic workers I know. Sometimes it's just a lack of understanding what sex, love, honesty and fidelity really mean in practice in non-biblical situations. In this case, to me it feels that the specific aspect of Paul and I's life together is whether my occupation of being an intimate actor prevents us from having a genuine loving relationship; I developed this notion during a phone conversation with our case manager regarding the legal definitions of a shared life.

I feel that by drawing any judgement or hesitation against the nature of my relationship, I am virtually being stripped of the ability to love or be loved in any genuine way. Of all the stigma I have had to face because of my career choice this is the most offensive of all. It is saying that sex workers are removed of one of the most basic human emotions - from both sides of the equation. Words can not express how deeply painful is to feel judged as almost subhuman.

I will start by explaining how sex work sits in my mind. I may not have started my career in the best of situations - and many workers I know didn't. But it isn’t the work it self that makes it hard to decide to get started in the industry, its the fear of what the rest of society will think, how you will be judged - deciding to take all that on is not always an easy decision. For me, once crossing the line from ordinary citizen to sex worker (as to so many you are suddenly different for no logical reason) I soon felt more empowered, had more self esteem and felt more accepted in my work environment than I ever had in any situation in my life before. What got me started working and what kept me at it were totally different things.

After my first ever client in a little run down brothel in Marrickville, I sat on the arm of the lounge in the girl’s room and stared blankly at the wall above the TV. Other girls gathered around to check I was OK, as they were concerned something bad had happened. I explained to them, the only shock I had, was that I expected to feel bad, or dirty, different or somehow changed by that single experience - and I wasn't - I felt exactly the same. I honed my skills with much practice and mentoring from the women I worked with. I felt fantastic being sought after, being chosen instead of others I’d had considered better looking than myself, spending time with people from all walks of life, feeling supported and cared for by co-workers it was almost like a fantastic party on any night.

I looked at my “normal” job, corporate life, how miserable and stressed it seemed to make everyone. I can almost feel that much misery around me, and I just couldn’t take that anymore.

There are a lot of events that have transpired in my life which have been very painful and upsetting. I feel I have copped an unfairly large dose of awful things in my life, and when I get everything great and I’m happy, soon enough some thing else hits the proverbial fan and it all falls down. It has become vitally important to me to create more happiness and positive energy in the world as I don’t want others to have to feel as down as I have at times.

To me that’s what my current job is, to make people happy - even if it’s just one person at time. If I can make just one person feel happier having spent time with me, then the world is a slightly happier place. Some people will tell you upfront what it is they seek, but figuring out the fine details of what people want can be tricky. What people say they want and what they do, can differ and I must quickly figure out what people are really seeking and become that. Perhaps it’s being more dominant and controlling, or it’s being very bold and talking dirty, perhaps it being a particular character, just being bubbly and fun. Most of the time they want it to feel real, to feel there is an intimate connection amongst the rest of the uniforms, toys, fisting and what not.

The art of creating intimacy - I learn from books, movies and real life, and imitate things in an orchestrated way. For someone who wants to feel close to another person a natural pace and vibe must be made, conversation, curiosity of them, their work, their interests - regardless of if they match mine. I do like learning about what makes people tick, but people enjoy having someone who is interested in what other people wont listen to them talk about, someone who asks questions and wants to know more. A clothed conversation that becomes one of more personal matters, thoughts, experiences, and slowly becomes contact, a slight brush before anything more complete, though what everyone is there for is well known as the business side of things was sorted before it all began. Making a kind of progression from strangers to lovers feel more normal though it is over a shorter time frame. I know how to make them feel there is nothing else in the world at that moment. It's like creating a Hollywood scene every time, but the exact content varies with every individual so it is always a challenge. I am an actor of the highest level, its not just a visual, I must create the right vibe, the right sensations and write my own script all on the fly. Being physically capable of having sex and being a skilled sex worker is not the same thing. So many people cannot express their own real intimacy with someone they love let alone create a perfect illusion of it for someone they have never met before.

Its a form of method acting for me, I become Melanie and almost cease to be myself, some elements shine through but its a totally different feeling. Almost slightly removed, like I am behind a computer screen controlling this character in an alternate reality. I can switch at will. I have shown partners, including Paul, my work mode so the difference can be seen and gauged and I can be told of what is noticed. The difference between Me and Melanie has always been very apparent to those I have shown both versions to.

I am more naturally submissive, and a little shy, and I relax and just do what I feel, which often will not be perfect, but real life isn't.

Having this contrast of sex without emotional involvement or love, to that with much emotion and love when I am with Paul, makes my connection to Paul ever so more apparent. To me it is it’s very powerful to be able to so clearly see the difference. In time many monogamous relationships often lose sight of how much better having a connection is, and take it, and each other for granted. People cease to make all the special little efforts, as they don’t really understand how much they do love their partners. Having so much contact with people does not lessen the impact of being touched by someone you love - it heightens it - I really understand everyday just how important to me Paul is. A touch from anyone is just a touch – a touch from someone you love is an electric charge – jolting through your skin and even further fuelling your love.

Being open about all aspects of sexuality I feel is something that make a sexual relationship much healthier. With more experience you become very comfortable about yourself very understanding of issues that others can have. This makes a very safe environment for exploration. More sexual activity I get the more I want, so my work “sex life” doesn’t take away from that to home, if anything it helps.

My relationship with Paul is built firmly on openness and honesty, with a complete lack of secrets. The only things we don’t know of each other is things that haven’t come up in conversations of yet. Many people find this a difficult notion, as it seems too common for people not to speak of past relationships, random inner thoughts or where google may take you late at night when you are alone. I strongly disagree with those who say some secrets are good, keeps some mystery, to me that’s a cop out – you should be able to tell anything to your partner and have them understand, or want to know more and accept whatever it is, good or bad as part of you. People are so complex that even if you talk, all, of everyday, still there will be more to know, more as their life experiences continue to change. If you love someone for who they truly are then you embrace every aspect of their being, right, wrong, good, bad or otherwise, as it is all these factors that make them who they are. Paul and I have this, and it is something special – probably more special than what most people I have ever spoken to seem to have. Paul and I fully accept each other as we are and don’t wish to change anything about each other, whilst my side of the equation may seem non-standard in terms of my life, this has never been an issue for Paul and he is the only person I have ever met who doesn’t wish to change anything about me. Some find this amazing when so many find it difficult to have such a thing when they have a more “normal” life – everybody has some very “unique” qualities and interests – perhaps if people opened up and shared more they’d find others who find all these previously hidden aspects very appealing.

Talking about everything includes honest and frank discussions of work, his and mine. I will talk of amusing events or interesting conversations I’ve had with people during the day. When going to particular bookings as well as the run-down on where I’ll be for safety reasons, I will comment if it’s a regular client, or there is specific requests or anything potentially noteworthy – just as anyone would with any job. My career choice is not something known but otherwise ignored, it’s not something we accept but pretend it doesn’t happen or gloss over what it involves. Paul is aware of every aspect of my work, and much probably in more detail than its even interesting to know. When I have other friends who are in the same industry around socially often the discussion turns to work, swapping amusing stories, scary stories, gross stories or tips on how to manage with aspects of clients physical properties. Paul usually tends to tune out – when I have asked him if there is an issue if it’s all a bit graphic he has always said it isn’t he just gets bored when we all talk shop, as its always virtually the same conversation.

Paul has never showed any signs of jealousy, he is not insecure and because we talk of everything he knows, nothing else, and no one else is a threat to him. I feel he understands how sex and love are totally separate concepts, and whilst they are much better together they aren’t interdependent.

Being paid to do something you otherwise probably wouldn’t bother to, is a normal part of life - finding a career that suits you, in terms of hours worked, pay, interest in the job, use of skills and alignment of person beliefs is a huge bonus. Doing your job, even if you do enjoy it now and then does not take way from your ability to do something seemingly similar because you want to, because you genuinely care or love someone. Someone who works as a psychologist listens to peoples worries and concerns all day, showing concern and trying to assist – this does not take way from their ability to genuinely care and support their partner when discussing issues, if anything they more able to help as they know how best to. Someone who works in child care, takes care of children everyday, teaching, helping, feeding – this does not take away from their ability to genuinely care and love their own children, they are not lesser parents because they are paid to be a stand in parent for other children, if anything they are more able to nurture their children as they know the best way and have much experience in doing so. Similarly someone who works as a sex worker spends all day comforting people, being intimate, showing care and interest – this does not take away from their ability to genuinely comfort and be intimate with someone they love, or to care about them and be interested in them – if anything they are more able to express all these things as they know the best way to do so.