Why has that device thing not been done yet?

I've been thinking about why i feel compelled to always put myself, my life, thoughts and feelings out there on the surface for the world to see. I have decided that after years of having poor/no self esteem I have grown to like myself and be proud for who I am. I always try to think positive and habit I got into that got me out of the depression I used to suffer from. I am who I am because of my history, all the things good and bad that have happened to me have made me, the person I now am - and if i like who I am I have to be grateful for all the experiences I have had, good or bad as without them I wouldn't be the same. I share so much about myself so openly I believe as a strong filter for the people I let into my life. In the past I have lost friends who found out something about me they didn't like after 6 months or whatever - how most people slowly open up and divulge more about themselves. Losing friends hurts, and i want to avoid that kind of thing happening as much as I can. I guess i kind of try to scared people off with a full on image of who I really am from the moment I meet them, because that way I know whoever hangs around after hearing my life story accepts me as I am. Those who don't like or can't handle me can fuck off before I have become attached to having them in my life, so i don't have to "waste" emotional energy of friendships which are ultimately doomed to failure if i am myself.

I also think that if you hide behind some sort of social mask, keeping up appearances to appease others, you won't have any real friends as no one knows who you really are. I guess people do that as a kind of rejection safety net, so if people don't like them its okay because it just because they don't really know you. I does take balls to be open and be accepted or rejected for who you really are. I think its well worth it though. We only have so much emotional energy its better to give it to those who are true friends and deserve it rather than just spreading it thinly around all of your "so called friends"

So anyway on with the actual story of what I have been through recently...

Firstly - i'd like to note that I'm not really supposed to blog about this as it hasn't gone through court yet so I will leave out some specifics.

Secondly - I'd like to say that I am much recovered now so you don't have to worry about me :)


At about 5:30am on Good Friday I awoke to the sounds of a girl crying, some banging sounds and an angry male voice in the street behind the apartment building I live in. I got out of bed and went to the lounge room and looked out the window to the street below. A girl was sitting in the gutter crying, intermittently getting up and starting to collect the contents of her handbag which were strewn all over the street. I was hesitant to go help her, I wanted to but I was worried the guy may come back. I couldn't see him and I could hear the garbage truck coming. I got dressed quickly and headed down to go help her, i figured big tough garbos around nothing will happen since I wont be alone.

I went out the back door of the building the girl was sitting in the gutter not far from the door. I hugged her and asked if she was ok, and helped her in picking up her stuff. She told me she was just visiting Sydney and it was her boyfriend who smashed her bag all over the place. Still looking round for items on the ground I looked up and saw a man walking in a very determined way up the street. The garbage truck has since been and gone. I asked the girl if that was him, she said yes. I hurriedly unlocked the back door to the building and got inside with her, closing the door behind us.

The man was banging at the door and jiggling the handle, we just stayed there in the corridor thinking we were safe. It didn't take very long for him to manage to get open what i assumed was a secure door.

We ran.

He caught us on the stairs, pushed her down and grabbed me by the back of my jeans, then my shirt, then my hair. I was screaming as loud as I could, not just from the pain of my hair being pulled and hearing it breaking off, the pain in my neck of having my head back so far as i clung to the railing trying to stop myself from falling backward down the stairs, the fear of what would happen next - I wanted people to hear and come to aid us. He kept pullling me backwards then with his other hand, he reached over and grabbed my chest and pulled me hard backwards. I lost my grip of the rail and fell backward onto the steps hitting my back and head, he then still holding me by the hair dragged me down the flight of stairs. On the landing i managed to turn over and was on my knees. I kept my face covered as I was scared he'd kick me in the face. He didn't kick me he just pulled me down the next set of steps by my hair forwards. This set of steps was only 3 stairs, at the bottom he pulled me to my feet by my hair, then grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me backward up the small set of stairs into the brick wall where i hit my head again.

He was very close to my face when i stood up in the corner. He was yelling at me asking me what i thought i was doing. I could smell the alcohol on him and see his pupils were dilated, i knew fighting him was pointless as he wouldn't feel the pain and it would just aggravate him further and probably just get me more hurt. I cowered in the corner and told him i was just trying to help her because she was crying, and i asked if i could go. He asked me if id asked her how much drugs she'd had, he then yelled at her saying it was her fault for getting this mice girl ( referring to me ) involved. I didn't say anything other than asking again if i could go, though i was thinking how warped is his point of view that him throwing me around was somehow someone else's fault besides his. He stepped back and motioned with his head for me to go, i think he had calmed down enough to realise doing anything more was not in any was necessary. I ran up the stairs, all the way up to my apartment, he grabbed her by the arm and took the girl back out the rear door of the building. Back in the apartment I raced into the lounge room, my bewildered half awake boyfriend was getting dressed to come find me after he had heard all the screaming and realised i was not in bed. I told him the screaming was me and i'd explain in a sec and told him to help me find the memory card for my camera. I found it and got to the window with my digital camera and took picture of the couple in the street behind the building. Someone was yelling at the guy saying they had called the cops. I got a good photo of the guy front on when he turned around to look at the man yelling to him. The couple then disappeared around the corner. I briefly told my boyfriend what happened he was shocked how together and determined i was after what had happened. I called the cops, took like 5 neurofen plus because i had a killer headache and burnt the images to cd for when the cops came.

It took several calls to the cops and about 2 hours to get them to my place. There was confusion with the messages and the didn't realise until they arrived that i was a second victim. I was more worried about the girl as she had told me which hotel they were staying in and other stuff and i was angry the cops didn't come sooner as i thought he would have been bashing her badly. Turns out they actually arrested the couple just after they had disappeared round that corner. The girl didn't want her boyfriend charged and just wanted to go back to the hotel with him. the cops said it seemed like they had that sort of violent relationship and she is too much in love with him to leave him. But since this is Australia not America victims don't press charges here, the coppers charge people regardless of that victims want. The guy also got a number of charges relating to what he did to me as well.

I felt invincible most of the day, flying high on adrenalin and painkillers I was thinking man I'm so tough i should become a stunt woman or something. When the evening came and everything wore off, I felt the damage. I was very dizzy and nauseous so my boyfriend took me to emergency at the local hospital.

Few hours wait to get to be seen by a doctor, they did some response and reflex tests, a CT of my head to check for fractures or bleeding - which there wasn't. A nurse came to give me a stemitil injection to stop the nausea I requested she not put it in my arm and explained how i have had 2nd degree burns on my arms in the past and even squeezing the upper part of my arm causes me alot of pain. She very coldly saild to me "look either you get it in your arm or you don't have it" reluctantly i agreed. I yelped loudly as she plunged it into my arm through the scar tissue, she hoit the bone then just jiggled the need to push past it and injected the stuff which made a very strong burning sensation. My boyfriend commented to me after that he thought the needle was going to come out the other side of my arm - and as it turned out the following day i had very deep bruising on the side where the needle want in and also on the inside of my arm on the other side. The bruising from the needle was worse than any of the bruises I had from being dragged down stairs on my back. That needle was the most painful thing I have ever experienced so far in my life.

The doctor who was seeing me was very intimidating, she leant forward and spoke loudly at me in a kind of condescending tone like i was a child. I guess they get a lot of drunks on a Friday night so they have to be tough, but i didn't appreciate being spoken to like that. They wanted to keep me overnight for observation and to give me hard core pain killlers via a drip. I didn't feel comfortable to stay there. She insisted on taking me to see that ward and the "nice comfy bed" man that bed looked hard and was in an open style ward of like 24 beds comparing that to my very expensive pillow top mattress I had at home, it did not seem remotely comfy. She continues to try and talk me into staying saying how i could go out and smoke when i wanted etc. I tried to explain to her, that when I'm very stressed I have mental stability issues, blackouts, fits, hallucinations etc I have spent much time in hospital when I was younger and I have many bad memories triggered by being in a hospital, plus me not being comfortable or safe there would make me stressed and if its an open ward and i lose the plot i could be off running around with no idea what's going on. The doctor got the shits and said she would leave me for 5 mins to discuss with my boyfriend what I would do. I did not want to stay there i'd been assaulted earlier that day having some intimidating woman trying to keep me captive and drug me up did not sound like a good thing. When the doctor came back I asked her if there were some not as strong painkillers i could have to take home, and come back in the morning to do the physio. The doctor said if i wasn't going to follow her recommendation all treatment ceases, she would not give me any painkillers, or book me in for phisio I asked her to give a report and the CT for me to take to my GP and she refused to do that and said your GP will have to start from the beginning again and do his own tests. I signed the form and went home 6hrs spent there for nothing other than being almost as traumatic as the assault itself.

Back home, I had some food, took another double dose of the over the counter pain killers and went to sleep. I went up to the GP the next day. Thankfully my GP is a very nice and caring man - like you'd hope all health care people would be. He range the hospital and got the CT send over, ordered a bunch more scans tested my reflexes and responses and prescribed me the stemetil in tablet form, muscle relaxers, anti inflammatories and some hard core pain killers, and referred me to a neurologist. The neurologists didn't seem to do much that the GP didn't and he wasn't a very friendly man and he charged for 20mins what i charge for an hour and i didn't even get slightly aroused - i felt ripped off. All the test etc done, I had no broken bones I had whiplash, concussion and moderate brain bruising and was told it would take at least 3 months before i started to feel ok.

I felt retarded, my brain was not working right for quite a while at first I had to think about walking - like left foot, right foot i couldn't just think i want to go there and it automatically happened like it did before. I couldn't multitask, if there was even a noise when i was trying to do something i would lose concentration and then struggle to figure out what i was doing before. My balance was a jacked up, i was a ballroom dancer for years, runner up state champion at one stage in my youth, so not being able to balance made me very frustrated. I couldn't add for quite some time, its like i'd look at the numbers and it just wouldn't go, playing cards id have to count up all the symbols to figure out what was in my hand.

Basically because of all that, I couldn't even begin to do the coding for the device or much else I wanted to do for my website. I am now coming back to my self and I intend to get cracking on getting that device done soon. I am still on painkillers and stuff and i get a therapeutic massage every week to try and loosen up my back and neck which are still very stiff. I feel pretty good most days now, the only issues I have is side effects from the painkillers - its playing funny buggers with my digestive tract... urmmmm making me not regular enough to cater to some of the very particular fantasies a few potential clients have been requesting of late. ( if you catch my drift)

Court wise with relation to the charges against the guy, the police woman handling the case said the couple are pretty much denying they ever saw me/ i was ever involved. Which is awesome. All I did was just be a nice person who didn't have the heart to leave a girl i didn't know crying in the gutter. I didn't know if she'd be beaten, raped, mugged or whatever before I went down there to comfort and help her. The police woman said when she spoke to the girl on the phone and said how it was wrong she isnt even recognising that i was trying to help her that the girl went very quiet.

I think its bad that the world is in such a state where you can't help people for fear of being hurt yourself. I took the risk, I got hurt and the "victim" doesn't even acknowledge my efforts. I think if more people would go to help people, no one would get hurt. If it wasn't just me going to help the girl in the street if 30 people came out of the surrounding buildings the guy wouldn't have had a chance. If everyone or at least anyone in my apartment building had come out to assist when I was screaming for help as loud as i could for like a minute - the guy would have been taken care of easily by a group.

I find it very sad to think what kind of foul treatment/torture people are submitted to and their screams for help are heard by so many people who do nothing to try and help the person being mistreated. I guess ultimately people need to look after their own safety first. I was reading in the paper recently about a guy in Melbourne who went to help a lady who was being harassed and the guy got shot point blank just for going to help. It comes down to whether or not i the moment when you hear or see someone in distress if you can handle leaving them to their fate to preserve yourself. I'm the sort of person it seems can't handle just sitting back and letting someone else be abused to avoid the risk of being hurt myself.

Almost every day I wish everyone would consider others and respect them before they act. If everyone was decent and caring we wouldn't need a laws as people wouldn't mess with anyone else intentionally.

This has turned out to be a mammoth blog entry and it has stirred much emotion in me whilst I have written it. If you have read it all please leave me some comment about any thoughts I have provoked. Leaving comments is anonymous if you chose them to be.